Thursday, March 17, 2011

Another Loss = 6 Miscarriages

I have had a weird month. My last daughter was born January 2010. My period didn't come back until February 28th, lasted the normal 5-6 days, wasn't extra light or heavy. Some basic cramps, nothing out of the ordinary.

Then on March 10th, I had some cramping, felt like ovulation cramps. Didn't think much of it until it didn't stop. Friday, March 11th, I had some red blood and then some brown blood. On Saturday, I decided I better take a pregnancy test. The whole bleeding-cramping thing was just weird. It came back positive. It was more than a faint positive, but less than a good, dark positive.

I freaked.

I called my midwife who helped me calm down and told me I could only wait.

There was no more blood or cramping.

I went into my primary care physician on Monday, March 14th and they took blood. It came back with a HCG level of 71. I went back in on Wednesday and that level just came back at 35. So, it's another loss. I will go back tomorrow for more blood work to be sure.

I just can't figure out when I got pregnant. I had the endoscopy on February 21st and they tested for pregnancy, but I don't remember them ever telling me what the results were. I assumed they were negative because they didn't say anything. What if I was pregnant and they didn't tell me or forgot to look? What if I killed the baby by having that test done?

Anyway, before the endoscopy, we had unprotected sex a couple times. Valentine's Day and maybe once or twice after that. But, since the 21st, we only had protected sex because I was worried about the polyps they found, the biopsies they ran, and the gallbladder surgery I was going to have to have. So, I have no idea WHEN conception happened. And that bugs me.

This whole thing just sucks. I thought we were done having kids, but this happened and it makes me wonder if we should have more. But, then I think about my body and how hard the pregnancies are on it. I think about having to buy a new car or double up on the rooms. So, in many ways this is probably for the better...

...then why doesn't it feel that way? Why does it hurt so much? Even if this baby wasn't planned or we weren't going to have more, it happened. And that means there was a baby and that baby died. And that hurts. Nobody should have to go through this.

Still I wonder if it was a boy...

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Asking For Prayers

I'm posting this on both my author blog and my personal blog.

Many of you know my third book is about a girl with a heart condition. My family has had a lot of experience in this area. Not only have myself and my daughter gone through heart surgery, but many of my relatives have some sort of heart problem. So, this book hits close to home.

Today, however, a friend's one-year-old little girl, Natalie, is in the PICU. She has a congenital heart defect and is battling pneumonia and RSV. She's been there for about a week and there hasn't been any improvement. Please keep Natalie and her family in your thoughts and prayers.

Thank you.


Monday, February 28, 2011

One Small Gallstone

I will never go to another afternoon appointment at this doctor's office again. Never. It was ridiculously busy!! I sat in the waiting room for a good 20-30 minutes and then I was brought back to a second waiting room where I spent another 20-25 minutes. Finally, I was escorted into an exam room. I only spent about 10 minutes in this room before my doctor walked in.

Then he turns on his little computer and starts by saying, "I saw you on the 3rd and we talked about an ultrasound, an endoscopy, and a pillcam... oh yes, I see we did some of those and here are the results..." I mean, really. Really? Why wouldn't he look first and then give me the results. He seems like an idiot who doesn't remember his patients when he does it this way.

Oh well... let's move on.

During the endoscopy, my doctor removed 9 stomach polyps. NINE! But, they're all gone! These polyps were biopsied. And thank God, no cancer was found! Also, no infections were found, no celiac disease was found, and no ulcers were found. Gastritis was found. And he didn't mention what to do about that - I, of course, forgot to ask. The polyps should NOT grow back and I don't need to have more endoscopies for these reasons.


The abdominal ultrasound. No mention of pelvic kidney, but he is a gastro guy, so I didn't think he would bring it up. He did say that my ultrasound showed a gallstone. Yup. Just one. One SMALL gallstone. According to my doctor, the small gallstones are worse than the big ones because they can get stuck. He suggested getting my gallbladder out. He insists that this is the reason behind the pain that keeps waking me up.

I'm not sure what to think. On one hand, I feel if this is the reason for my pain and nausea, then get it out! On the other hand, it's only ONE stone. Can it cause this? Then I think about the pain. It's not all day. It's not excruciating. It's just at night when I don't take a Zantac. So, is the doctor SURE? Could it be reflux? Could it be the gastritis? Or is it really the one small gallstone?

Then we come down to finding babysitters and finding the money. Oh, and don't forget the recovery period. Who is going to help me?

Not to mention that the doctor I was referred to does not take my insurance. Awesome.

My gastroenterologist still wants me to do the pillcam test... as soon as my insurance approves it. Seems like every test I have finds something small wrong, but is never an answer to the big picture.

My husband wants me to get a second opinion.

*Sigh* It's one of those days I wish I could see into the future and know what to do.

Friday, February 25, 2011


An endoscopy is much easier to get through than a colonoscopy. Around November, I found myself getting nauseous at night. Almost every night since then, I've been woken up with either nausea or a pain that felt like someone just punched me in the gut. This only happened at 1am - give or take.

No symptoms during the day. No nausea or reflux type pain. Nothing. So, when I had to go back to the gastroenterologist, I asked him about it. He - of course - said he couldn't tell what it was without tests, tests, and more tests. Great.

The first test I had to have done was an abdominal ultrasound. No problem, I can handle one of these. Only prep was not eating or drinking after midnight. They said something about no meat or dairy 12 hours before, but since my appointment was at 8, that wasn't an issue.

The second test was an endoscopy. Thankfully, there is no bowel prep to this. Again, the only prep was to not eat or drink after midnight. Phew. Easy. Especially when I had to be there at 7am.

I went to the same hospital where I had the colonoscopy. And once again, the nurse could NOT get my IV in on the first try. I've NEVER had a problem with this anywhere else. I'm not sure why I've had this issue at this hospital. The nurse got it in the second try (but my arm was bruised good for over a week).

I remember being wheeled in the room, they told me to pump and dump a couple times and out I went.

I remember hearing voices right before waking up, the nurses in the recovery room were loud. Not that I expected them to be whispering, but I kind of wished they would go away so I could sleep a little more. They took me right back to the room where my husband told me the doctor said he found gastritis and stomach polyps. He had taken biopsies and would see me in a week. Lovely.

This time I felt more groggy. I was cold and just wanted to cuddle up under a warm blanket and close my eyes. But, I knew I had to get going. After leaving the hospital, we went to eat some breakfast, and then came home.

About two hours later, I felt like I had been run over by a bus. Or a truck. Or a train. I was drained, weak, and had a headache. My throat was a little sore, but not painful at all. No fever, no bleeding, just BLAH. I couldn't lay down because I was being supermom. I thought that since I was fine after the colonoscopy, I'd be fine after the endoscopy. I don't know what was different, but I was exhausted. At six o'clock, I told my husband I had had enough and went to bed. I didn't sleep, but I was horizontal and that felt wonderful.

The next day was the same. It felt like the flu without any other symptoms. I did get a little fever - up to 99.7. I talked to a nurse from the hospital, but she wasn't concerned. It lasted a couple days and then I was back to normal.

My one year old got sick, so maybe I had a touch of what she had (although she ended up having Roseola, and I'm pretty sure I didn't have that). I don't know if it was just a weird reaction to the sedation...

The doctor's office called me a couple days later to tell me the ultrasound I had showed gallstones and to please make sure I come to my follow up appointment. Don't worry - I won't miss it!

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Separating Blogs

I decided to get a wee bit more professional and separate my personal posts from my writing posts. So, you can find keep updated on my books and writing by checking out my other blog: Talia Jager
Please follow it and spread the word!

Saturday, February 12, 2011

The Continuing Stomach Saga

My nausea has yet to let up. It's annoying. It's mainly a night thing. Around 1 or 2 in the morning, I get nauseous or I feel like I've been punched in the gut. It's not a nice feeling. I decided to try 2 things. Stop eating after 8pm and take a reflux medication. I chose Zantac because that's what the OB gave me when I was pregnant with #4.

Both things seem to help, but I hate it. I'm a night owl and not eating after 8pm sucks. I like to snack at 10. And taking any kind of medication is just not my thing. I don't like taking anything. But, it does help the nausea.

I went back to see the gastro doctor, who doesn't really seem to know what's going on and just like I thought, he wants to run more tests. He suggested 3: an ultrasound of my gallbladder, an endoscopy, and a pillcam! How fun! I can handle the ultrasound, the endoscopy shouldn't be TOO bad, but the pillcam requires drinking something yucky and swallowing a BIG - well - camera in a pill. I gag easily, not sure how this will be.

I'm just afraid that after going through all these tests and spending all kinds of money on co-pays, there still won't be any answers.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Love Writing. Hate Formatting.

I hate formatting. HATE. IT. With a passion. Why - in this day and age - can't someone come up with a program that will take a basic Word document and change it into an eBook? I know, some of it has to do with the fact that Amazon uses Mobi and Barnes and Noble uses ePub. But, come on, people!

I have changed my Word document into everything possible and uploaded it and something is always messed up. I've gone back through my books and fixed anything that looked funny and most of the time it STILL looks funny. My main problem are the indents. They are all messed up!

Now, I've uploaded to B&N, and when looking at the sample, it looks fine. But, I can't see further into the book. So, you download the epub version of it and their Nook reader for computers, and then what happens, all the chapters are messed up on the top! UGH!

The other thing giving me trouble is formatting a table of contents. I had one that when you clicked on it went to the chapter, but the page numbers are wrong (they are okay on the Word document), but not okay on the eBooks because the pages are different. So, I took the page numbers out, but now I can't get them linked to the chapters.

I've tried some free programs, I've downloaded a free trial of Adobe's ridiculously expensive Indesign. Nothing helps.

Love writing. Hate formatting.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Barnes & Noble

Natalie's Story has been for sale on Amazon since July 2010. Now, it's on sale at Same price $2.99. You can get the free Nook app for your computer or phone, just like Amazon. Or if you have a Nook!!

If you could go to the Barnes and Noble page and click the FB like link, that would help me out!

I've been working on formatting Teagan's Story so I can get that out. It's ridiculous. Why hasn't anyone come up with some software that easily converts a document into different things? I finally got the indents looking somewhat normal... but the table of contents... UGH!!!!

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Book Covers

I'm naive in this area. For Natalie's Story I just uploaded a picture of the beach from when we went on vacation a few years ago. There is a beach scene in Natalie's Story so it's not a huge stretch, but still not the picture I'd like to use for the cover.

I've read about websites where you can buy a photo and use that for your book, but I have no idea how these things work. I need simple instructions in English, not lawyer talk, to follow.

Can anyone clue me in?

Times To Write

Finding time to write can be difficult sometimes. I'm not a morning person, so writing in the morning is pretty much OUT. Late morning and afternoon can work sometimes, other times, there's too much happening with the kids. Forget after school and dinner time, too chaotic. That leaves night. I like writing at night. I can put the kids to bed, put on a show or music and let the words flow.

But, there are nights when I'm tired, nights when I'm physically exhausted, nights where I get the kids to bed too late and I don't have the UMPH to write. That sucks. I need to be able to get my creative juices flowing and get these books done.

I'm currently working on book #3 and I'm trying to get the timeline down. I have most of the story written, but it needs some fluff in the middle. I can't write anything more until I pin down the times. So, that's my plan today. Get off the blog and do the timeline! On a piece of paper so I can see it laid out.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Book Reviews

I've gotten excellent reviews on Natalie's Story so far. But, there are only a few. I could really use anyone who has read the book to write a review on Amazon. Doesn't have to be a lot of words, just be honest.

Friday, January 7, 2011

13 - The New Adult?

My oldest daughter turned 13 in November. She got permission to get a Facebook account as long as I had passwords and monitored it. This is how her email is set up. She has a hotmail account and I manage it. Not often, but I do check on her enough. I check her inbox, her trash, and her sent box. I am aware that she could be permanently deleting things without my knowledge, but I have to trust her a little.

She has to get permission to sign up for any websites or accounts and I have to have the passwords. I also check the history on the computers she uses.

Imagine my frustration when I got an email from hotmail informing me that I was no longer allowed to manage her email because she was now 13! Isn't 13 still a minor? Why does she get free reign of her email account at 13? I realize that I still have the password and can still check on her, but I don't understand these "rules". Even Facebook has some sort of privacy rule like this. I can't shut her profile down. I can't get into it if she changes the password and doesn't tell me. I can't force the people at Facebook to let me in. Does this make sense? Shouldn't we be watching our children more? Shouldn't we be supervising and monitoring? Isn't this how situations arise? This almost gives parents permission to say "we didn't know what our child was doing" after they ran away, got pregnant, or blew something up.

Well, in MY house, if I don't have passwords and access to all social networking sites, email accounts, websites, etc, then you don't have access to one of my computers. Period. Overprotective, maybe. But, I'd rather be safe and overprotective then have a missing or troubled child.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Book Sales

I think a lot of people got Kindles for Christmas. In the week after Christmas, my book sales went from just a couple to 16. Then someone returned a book. LOL! Guess they didn't like it? Or maybe they thought it was paperback and when they realized it was an ebook, they returned it? Whatever it was, not a big deal. That leaves 15 sales for December, not bad. I realize that it's not 1500, that's okay. Maybe someday I'll get there. And when I checked today, another 2 books sold. So, it may be one here and one there, but each sale is a possible fan and that fan might spread the word!

My New Year's resolution this year is to write more. I'd like to finish the book I'm working on and I'd like to get Teagan's Story uploaded to Amazon.


My baby turns one year old today. I ask myself how this happened. How did one year fly by so quickly? Why does time go fast? Why is the cute infant stage so short and the long grueling teenage stage so long?

Many times I asked myself when did I blink? I told myself a year ago NOT to blink! And I must have - because here I sit wondering where this past year has gone. I yell it's not fair, but that doesn't change anything.

Bells is such a beautiful little girl. Her hair is just long enough to cover her eyes or put in a "Pebbles" ponytail. Her eyes are full of wonder and innocence. She babbles and blows bubbles. She walks around and falls down a lot. She dances when I turn music on.

She still loves to nurse, she loves to cuddle with her Mama and have her milk - usually while pinching some of my skin. She loves her panda bear. When I put her down, even if she seems to be asleep, her little hand searches for that panda and she grabs hold of it and goes to sleep. She squirms when getting her diaper changed. And she still gags when she eats anything more than stage 2 food.

Oh how I love my baby girl. My heart bursts with joy every time I even think of her. My eyes fill with tears when I watch her sleep.

I ask for 2 more minutes tonight... 2 more minutes with my baby before she turns 1. 2 more minutes to cuddle. 2 more minutes of memories. I don't know why the years fly by so fast or the infant stage is so short... but I want to remember every minute of her life. So, please just give me 2 more minutes alone with her tonight.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Wants Her Daddy

My husband has taken a new position within his company and he'll be traveling more. It didn't seem like a bad idea when he was offered the job, but after consoling our now 4 year old for the second night in a row, it seems like an awful idea.

She has cried both nights that her daddy has been away, begging to talk to him on the phone, asking for him to come home. The tears streaming down her soft, angel like face and the big lip sticking out just breaks my heart. I held her tonight and stroked her hair, telling her it would be okay. I couldn't even tell her that daddy would be home tomorrow just in case his plane is delayed.

I hate that he is going to be away more. I hope that he enjoys the job. I also hope that he'll be allowed to work from home when he's not traveling. I'll enjoy the raise that he got. But, right now, tonight, knowing my daughter is so upset, I'm not enjoying this at all.