She's Got My Heart

Stuck In Between

I am stuck. Completely and utterly stuck. I feel like I'm lingering between the two things that I want in life.

I yearn to have more children. I look at my baby girl and think about having another one and another one and... well you get the point. Babies are awesome! I love cuddling my baby, nursing my baby, and wearing my baby. There's nothing better. For as long as I can remember, I have wanted a big family.

And while my heart yearns for more, my body and brain say five is enough. Maybe it's that my body is getting old and each pregnancy is getting harder, or maybe it's that I've been doing 'this' for 13 years, but I'm ready to go out to dinner without a highchair, I'm ready to go to the movies without a babysitter, and I'm ready to not carry a diaper bag.


I feel stuck.

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Over the weekend, I went to my regular hairdresser and had my hair done. It's been a while, about 6 months in fact. I was going to go right before I had Bells, but things got in the way. And after she came, it took a while before her feedings were spaced far enough apart for me to get my hair done.

While I was in the chair, we got a chance to talk. I told her why I hadn't been there in so long, and that my husband was sitting out in the waiting room with the kids just in case Bells needed to eat. She then told me how when she had her daughters, the nurses in the hospital pretty much 'forced' her to try and breastfeed, and how she wanted no part of it. She continued to tell me how it hurt, how it didn't feel right, and how much she didn't want to do it. This shocked me! How does breastfeeding not feel right. Sure it hurts, even tickles some times. But, I have never felt that it wasn't right. Of course, to me, mixing up formula and shoving that into a child's mouth, doesn't feel right.

She asked me something about my hospital stay and I told her how horrible it was, how I was supposed to have had a homebirth, but things happened. I told her how wonderful both my midwife and the nurse that was with us was (she was also a midwife). I also told her how the OB had said I could leave right after giving birth if all was fine, but that the pediatrician on call wouldn't. And now all these medical bills were coming in with a nursery charge on them we didn't use.

Her response? "What do you mean you didn't use the nursery?" I explained how I wanted my baby with me at all times. She says, "Girl, you need to give the nursery that baby so you can rest and have a break. That's what it's there for, you should have taken advantage of it."

Wow. Just wow.

It blows my mind that people really think like this. Maybe it blows their mind that I think the way I do? I could never give birth to my baby and then let her stay the next couple days in the nursery so I can get a break? A break from WHAT?

I do believe that everyone has the right to make their own choices, but sometimes the choices people make, make me sad.

And Down She Went

Years ago, my 9 year old was diagnosed with a condition called Vaso Vagal Syncope. She would have what I thought were some sort of drop seizure. She would yawn and get real pale, sometimes blue around the lips, and then just fall over. One time when it was happening, I grabbed the camera, and caught the whole thing on tape. I then showed it to her doctor.

The doctor sent her to a neurologist and a cardiologist. The neurologist ordered 2 EEGs and said she was fine. The cardiologist diagnosed her with VVS. It seemed that whenever Boo was scared or hurt, her blood pressure would and heart rate would drop causing her to faint. She didn't always lose consciousness, but it was always scary.

The cardiologist told us to keep her well hydrated and make sure she got a high salt diet. She has gotten better throughout the years, only having an episode when she got really hurt. It went from happening a couple times a month to a couple times a year.

Boo had always fainted while with me... up until this week. On Wednesday, I got a call from the school. And you know when the school calls, your heart stops for a moment. Things start racing through your mind. Someone had bumped her ear during P.E. causing the earring hole - which we always have problems with - to bleed. Boo went to the nurse to stop the bleeding. The nurse dabbed the back of her ear and down she went!

On the phone, the nurse asked if this had ever happened before. I was glad she couldn't see me roll my eyes as I explained that it should all be in her file. I'm not sure why they didn't pull up her file before contacting me. Obviously, I want to know when this happens. But, maybe they wouldn't have freaked out so much if they had bothered to peek.

I hurried over to the school and picked Boo up for an hour. She came home with me, rested on the couch a little, and ate some lunch. By then, she was fine and wanted to go back to school so she didn't miss recess.

Never a dull moment around here.

How Fast Can You Eat A Chocolate Easter Bunny?

After lunch today, Jay Jay and Nanoo wanted dessert. They asked for their Easter bunnies, which they hadn't touched yet, and I said "Okay, but just a little bit."

A few minutes later, I returned to the kitchen and Jay Jay proudly held up what was left of her bunny - about 3 bites - and said "Look, Mom, I'm almost done!"

I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths and asked her, "What part of 'just a little bit' didn't you understand?"

She responded, "I thought you were talking to Nanoo."

Kids.

Wake Up, Mom!

Setting: Saturday morning about 7am. I'm sleeping peacefully with Bells cuddled up next to me, although I can hear voices out in the living room, so I know the girls are up.

Enter Jay Jay and Nanoo.

Jay Jay: Mom?

Me: Yes?

Jay Jay: When you're awake, can we play this? (shows me a video game)

Me: Sigh. Yeah, when I'm awake.

What Does 'Slightly Crunchy' Mean?

I consider my family to be slightly crunchy. What does this mean? What do I do that makes us only slightly crunchy?

- I breastfeed exclusively for 6 months.
- I let the child wean when she's ready. So far, the longest any of my children has nursed was 2 years. The others weaned themselves at 18 months and 15 months.
- I wear my baby.
- I co-sleep.
- I do not vaccinate right now. If I decide to, it will be delayed and selective.
- I make some of my own baby food.
- I use cloth diapers. At night, I will use a disposable and if my child is having diarrhea, I will use disposables.
- I have always used a midwife. I have never had a homebirth due to circumstances outside of my control.
- I have always had a vaginal birth without any pain medication or epidurals and as little interventions as possible.
- I use natural family planning most of the time. During the time where I'm not sure when I'm ovulating, we do use condoms.
- I will use natural remedies and herbs/oils, but I also will go to a doctor if I feel the need.
- My kids go to public school. I do wish I could homeschool.
- I drive a mini-van.
- I eat whatever I want.

As you can see, some of those things are crunchy, some are not. For our family of 7, we need a big car, little hybrids don't work. I also have no intention of changing my diet to be more crunchy. I send my kids to school for my own sanity. To be fair, the schools they go to are excellent. Right now, I'm okay with being only 'slightly crunchy'.

Co-sleeping = Peace

I believe I am the opposite of most people. Most people worry about falling asleep next to their baby - not me - I worry when my baby falls asleep away from me.

I had put the baby in her bed the other night so I could get ready for bed. She fell asleep there and when it was time for me to get into bed, I wasn't sure what to do. Should I leave her there sleeping or grab her and bring her to bed with me? She's always with me at night, we co-sleep and this is how we like it. She is our fifth child and I have never once worried about rolling over on any of our babies. I nurse them to sleep and any time they wake up looking for it. I wake up in the morning feeling well rested. I love the closeness co-sleeping brings.

I slid into bed without the baby that night. I laid there wide eyed and restless. I couldn't sleep. I worried that she would spit up and I wouldn't hear it. I worried that she'd stop breathing not able to hear my breathing next to her. I worried she'd get cold not having me right there keeping her warm.

After five very long minutes went by, I got up, went to her bed where she slept, very carefully picked her up and brought her back to bed with us. She stretched a little and then went right back to sleep next to me - where she belongs.

Who We Are

Now we have discussed why I named this blog "Just 2 More Minutes" and what I'll be talking about in the blog... next comes... who I'll be talking about. For privacy reasons, I will be using nicknames.

Me, Myself, and I - The "about me" paragraph pretty much says it all.

M is my loving, wonderful, and supportive husband. I couldn't do it without him. He's in his mid 30s, likes computers, woodworking, movies, and reading.

Kiki is my oldest child's nickname. It was a name that was used in stories my dad used to tell me. I guess it stuck. Kiki is 12 and on her way to becoming a full fledged teenager. I'm not sure how she got so old. I often wonder where my little girl went. She is in athletics and orchestra at school. She loves music, movies, and hanging out with her friends.

Boo is 9 now. When she was 2, she looked like Boo from Monsters, Inc - pigtails and all. She was our surprise baby. Boo is artistic, she loves arts and crafts, and is very creative. She also enjoys music, writing, and reading.

Jay Jay is 6. She is shy and quiet. She likes to read, play outside, watch tv, and do gymnastics. She has a very sweet personality. And there is NO resisting her big chocolate brown, puppy dog eyes.

Nanoo is the nickname she gave herself. She couldn't say her name and this is what she came up with. It was so cute, it stuck. Nanoo is 3 now and she is my wild child. She gets into everything. She sure keeps me busy. She likes every toy, every show, every book.

Bells is our newest precious addition. She's a few months old and I don't know what we ever did without her. She is our miracle. After going through many things the past couple years and trying to conceive for a long time, I had pretty much given up and God blessed us with her.

Cocoa & Cullen - Toy sized Miniature Schnauzers. One brown, one black. One girl, one boy.

What Is This Blog About?

Just so we are all clear on what this blog will be about... here are my thoughts.

It will be about everything - does that clarify it well enough for you? No? Fine. It will be about my family, things my children do, things my children don't do, things that I want to share, opinions not only about life, but also about certain products. It will be about being a slightly crunchy family. It will be about medical conditions that we have or are interesting. And also about things that I support and things that annoy me, things I can rant and rave about. Finally, it will also be about writing, since I love it so much.

More specifics? Having 5 children, having 5 daughters, having 5 miscarriages. MTHFR and how it relates to me. Having high positive ANA results and how that relates to me. Heart conditions. Asthma and allergies. Pregnancy related issues: IUGR, Pre-eclampsia, low lying placenta. Crunchy things: cloth diapering, co-sleeping, breastfeeding, baby wearing, delaying/selecting or just not giving immunizations, using a midwife, trying for a home birth, having a natural birth.

It will also be about enjoying those two minutes...

This blog will not be just about ONE topic. If you are looking for that, elsewhere you should go.

Baby Legs

It wasn't until recently that someone made me aware of Baby Legs. I have to admit that I was not interested at all when I saw what they were. Leg warmers? Seriously? On a baby? WHY? I never saw the appeal. Even thought they looked kind of dumb. Yet, so many of my friends talked highly about them.

During a grand opening of a "crunchy" store in the area, they gave away a pair of Baby Legs as a free gift. So, I finally owned a pair of these things that I wasn't too interested in. I decided to keep them for the baby I was carrying, still not sure I'd ever actually use them.

One day a couple weeks ago Bells seemed too warm in her PJs, but it was still a little too cool to be in just a onesie. The Baby Legs crossed my mind. I dug them reluctantly out of the drawer and put them on her. They were a little big, but she didn't mind. Over the night, she seemed to be the perfect temperature, and she never kicked them off.

I found myself at Target picking out a new pair of Baby Legs, ones that were cute and pink. And now I use them almost daily when we're in that in between temperature. Now, I like Baby Legs, and I recommend them to anyone having a baby.

Two More Minutes

For weeks I've been trying to come up with a name for a new blog. I have a blog, but the name is, well, meaningless. I tried many things and everything had already been taken. This is 2010! People have been blogging for years. Many of the blogs have been claimed and yet nobody writes on them, nobody keeps them up to date. I start to wonder if that will happen to mine when life gets in the way.

I thought of this name recently when I was holding our newborn daughter, our fifth daughter. My husband asked me to go see something and I told him to give me just two more minutes. He looked at me oddly, probably thinking to himself that was a strange answer since I wasn't doing anything. She had finished nursing and we were just looking at each other.

I thought of all the times I use the phrase "just two more minutes". When I'm warm in the shower and the peace and quiet is all around me. When I'm snug in bed and don't want to face the morning. When I'm reading a really great book and don't want to leave that world even for a second. When I'm reading to my 3 year old who is curled up in my lap soaking in every detail. When I'm in my husband's arms feeling his love surround me. And when I'm holding my baby girl close to my heart hoping that time will stand still.

So, I looked up at my husband, and again said, "Just two more minutes."