Another Loss = 6 Miscarriages

I have had a weird month. My last daughter was born January 2010. My period didn't come back until February 28th, lasted the normal 5-6 days, wasn't extra light or heavy. Some basic cramps, nothing out of the ordinary.

Then on March 10th, I had some cramping, felt like ovulation cramps. Didn't think much of it until it didn't stop. Friday, March 11th, I had some red blood and then some brown blood. On Saturday, I decided I better take a pregnancy test. The whole bleeding-cramping thing was just weird. It came back positive. It was more than a faint positive, but less than a good, dark positive.

I freaked.

I called my midwife who helped me calm down and told me I could only wait.

There was no more blood or cramping.

I went into my primary care physician on Monday, March 14th and they took blood. It came back with a HCG level of 71. I went back in on Wednesday and that level just came back at 35. So, it's another loss. I will go back tomorrow for more blood work to be sure.

I just can't figure out when I got pregnant. I had the endoscopy on February 21st and they tested for pregnancy, but I don't remember them ever telling me what the results were. I assumed they were negative because they didn't say anything. What if I was pregnant and they didn't tell me or forgot to look? What if I killed the baby by having that test done?

Anyway, before the endoscopy, we had unprotected sex a couple times. Valentine's Day and maybe once or twice after that. But, since the 21st, we only had protected sex because I was worried about the polyps they found, the biopsies they ran, and the gallbladder surgery I was going to have to have. So, I have no idea WHEN conception happened. And that bugs me.

This whole thing just sucks. I thought we were done having kids, but this happened and it makes me wonder if we should have more. But, then I think about my body and how hard the pregnancies are on it. I think about having to buy a new car or double up on the rooms. So, in many ways this is probably for the better...

...then why doesn't it feel that way? Why does it hurt so much? Even if this baby wasn't planned or we weren't going to have more, it happened. And that means there was a baby and that baby died. And that hurts. Nobody should have to go through this.

Still I wonder if it was a boy...