If We Don't Talk About It

Still on my quest. I don't like any of the answers I've been given. My husband is afraid I'll keep searching until I find a doctor who will say what I want to hear and then I'll choose him. He's probably right. I want a doctor to tell me none of this is necessary. His 'curve' is unique and should be kept and his intact penis is perfect. That won't be happening.

We scheduled the surgery...me unwillingly. I keep trying to back out. He keeps saying we should do it. It's not until December which gives us time to discuss, research, and think about it. However we haven't done any of that this past week or so. I think we're in the mentality if we don't talk about it, we can't back out. Or maybe if we don't talk about it, we won't think about it.

Whatever it is...it's not the right thing to do. We need to talk more about it. Both of us need to be in the right state of mind. I still can't imagine putting my baby boy through this.

My Quest #2

I decided to post on a Facebook group called The Whole Network about my son's problem. A response I received suggested I contact the people at NOCIRC. So, I did that. I received an email back quickly. I was given a few names to contact. 

The next day we called one of those doctors, a pediatrician in another state. This doctor answered his home phone to talk to us. He explained that he was not a pediatric urologist, he was very foreskin friendly, but he was pretty sure that the chordee surgery would require a circumcision. He recommended that we call a foreskin friendly pediatric urologist. He gave us two names.

My husband and I called one of the doctors who wasn't in that day and emailed the other one. The one we emailed responded within a few hours. He said that because he couldn't see Lucky, he couldn't tell us for sure what to do. I understand that. I just wanted a general recommendation. He said that a circumcision is done with the chordee repair but he can do foreskin reconstruction IF there's enough skin. He also said he recommends surgery if there is a 30 degree bend with an artificial erection.

Neither of the doctors we saw did and artificial erection. So I'm not sure what to make of that. 

I also read this page where men talk about having hypospadias (hypospadias is common to have with chordee, although it can be separate and in Lucky's case it is, however you can't find a lot of info on just chordee alone). It seems like you can't win. Some men are happy their parents had the surgery done when they were little. Some men were mad at their parents for having the surgery done. And some were happy with their decisions. I read about men who were made fun of and boys who were deeply scarred - inside and out. I also read about men who had no problems at all. 

I still don't know what to do. My husband and I keep going back and forth. It's miserable.

One Mother's Quest #1

We finally have a son. After five daughters, we were blessed with a little boy. I was shocked to say the least when the ultrasound tech told us it was a boy. I didn't think it was possible. I honestly thought the miscarriages I had were gender related.

Lucky came into this world in a birthing center. He was beautiful. I got to cuddle him right away and we were on our way home 2 hours later.

Fast forward six months...I asked the doctor to schedule a VCUG for him as well as one of my other children. My oldest daughter had a renal reflux which means urine goes back up to the kidneys and if it goes untreated can cause kidney damage. Hers was caught early and she was put on antibiotics and a few years later had surgery. Because there is a high risk of siblings having this disorder, we had to have each of our kids tested.

I slacked.

Well, no, the pediatrician in Virginia slacked. When our fourth daughter was born in Virginia, the pediatrician said they didn't routinely do VCUGs to test siblings. This was news to me. The state we lived in before highly recommended this test. Not really wanting to put her through the testing I stupidly caved and let it go.

Then we moved to the state we're in now. Our fifth daughter was born and was tested. Then came along our son. When daughter #4 had some toilet-ing issues, I asked our doctor to get both her and our son tested at the same time.

Our daughter is fine - thank goodness - if she had the reflux I probably could have gone ape on the pediatrician in Virginia.

Our son has renal reflux. Bilateral. Grade 2. This apparently isn't as big of a deal in a boy as it is in a girl. However, it's still recommended that he be on antibiotics until the reflux resolves on its own or surgery is done.

This was told to us by a pediatric urologist. He then discovered Lucky has a chordee. I asked him to write it down so I could research it. He said Lucky should have surgery to fix it soon. They would also circumcise him.

I shut down right there. I am intact friendly :) I believe little boys should be left alone. I do not believe we as a society should routinely cut off foreskin. I've heard all the arguments. And my response is and always will be "it's not my body" or "it's not my choice". This is his. If he wants to cut off a body part, he can when he's 18. This is not something we should do to our babies. There's nothing wrong with them!

I can't understand it. It's cleaner? Easier? Really?? You females out there... if someone cut off your labia because it was cleaner and easier for you, would you be okay with that? What about how it looks? If doctors and society cut off our nipples so that our breasts would be nice and smooth to the touch, would that be okay?

NO. No it wouldn't. No. No. NO.

So why is circumcision okay? Routine circumcision. I'm not talking about people who do it for religious reasons or people who have to have it down for medical reasons. I'm only talking about the routine circumcision.

Back to my story...I don't want my son circumcised. However the medical community seems to only know one way to fix a chordee and that happens to include circumcising. Now I have to decide whether he should have this surgery at all and if he should, do I allow the circumcision to be done? What if I can't find a doctor willing to do it that way?

I'm going to try and keep this blog updated with what's going on so if anyone else has this problem, they'll know they're not alone.

Another Loss = 6 Miscarriages

I have had a weird month. My last daughter was born January 2010. My period didn't come back until February 28th, lasted the normal 5-6 days, wasn't extra light or heavy. Some basic cramps, nothing out of the ordinary.

Then on March 10th, I had some cramping, felt like ovulation cramps. Didn't think much of it until it didn't stop. Friday, March 11th, I had some red blood and then some brown blood. On Saturday, I decided I better take a pregnancy test. The whole bleeding-cramping thing was just weird. It came back positive. It was more than a faint positive, but less than a good, dark positive.

I freaked.

I called my midwife who helped me calm down and told me I could only wait.

There was no more blood or cramping.

I went into my primary care physician on Monday, March 14th and they took blood. It came back with a HCG level of 71. I went back in on Wednesday and that level just came back at 35. So, it's another loss. I will go back tomorrow for more blood work to be sure.

I just can't figure out when I got pregnant. I had the endoscopy on February 21st and they tested for pregnancy, but I don't remember them ever telling me what the results were. I assumed they were negative because they didn't say anything. What if I was pregnant and they didn't tell me or forgot to look? What if I killed the baby by having that test done?

Anyway, before the endoscopy, we had unprotected sex a couple times. Valentine's Day and maybe once or twice after that. But, since the 21st, we only had protected sex because I was worried about the polyps they found, the biopsies they ran, and the gallbladder surgery I was going to have to have. So, I have no idea WHEN conception happened. And that bugs me.

This whole thing just sucks. I thought we were done having kids, but this happened and it makes me wonder if we should have more. But, then I think about my body and how hard the pregnancies are on it. I think about having to buy a new car or double up on the rooms. So, in many ways this is probably for the better...

...then why doesn't it feel that way? Why does it hurt so much? Even if this baby wasn't planned or we weren't going to have more, it happened. And that means there was a baby and that baby died. And that hurts. Nobody should have to go through this.

Still I wonder if it was a boy...

Asking For Prayers

I'm posting this on both my author blog and my personal blog.

Many of you know my third book is about a girl with a heart condition. My family has had a lot of experience in this area. Not only have myself and my daughter gone through heart surgery, but many of my relatives have some sort of heart problem. So, this book hits close to home.

Today, however, a friend's one-year-old little girl, Natalie, is in the PICU. She has a congenital heart defect and is battling pneumonia and RSV. She's been there for about a week and there hasn't been any improvement. Please keep Natalie and her family in your thoughts and prayers.

Thank you.

Talia

One Small Gallstone

I will never go to another afternoon appointment at this doctor's office again. Never. It was ridiculously busy!! I sat in the waiting room for a good 20-30 minutes and then I was brought back to a second waiting room where I spent another 20-25 minutes. Finally, I was escorted into an exam room. I only spent about 10 minutes in this room before my doctor walked in.

Then he turns on his little computer and starts by saying, "I saw you on the 3rd and we talked about an ultrasound, an endoscopy, and a pillcam... oh yes, I see we did some of those and here are the results..." I mean, really. Really? Why wouldn't he look first and then give me the results. He seems like an idiot who doesn't remember his patients when he does it this way.

Oh well... let's move on.

During the endoscopy, my doctor removed 9 stomach polyps. NINE! But, they're all gone! These polyps were biopsied. And thank God, no cancer was found! Also, no infections were found, no celiac disease was found, and no ulcers were found. Gastritis was found. And he didn't mention what to do about that - I, of course, forgot to ask. The polyps should NOT grow back and I don't need to have more endoscopies for these reasons.

Next!

The abdominal ultrasound. No mention of pelvic kidney, but he is a gastro guy, so I didn't think he would bring it up. He did say that my ultrasound showed a gallstone. Yup. Just one. One SMALL gallstone. According to my doctor, the small gallstones are worse than the big ones because they can get stuck. He suggested getting my gallbladder out. He insists that this is the reason behind the pain that keeps waking me up.

I'm not sure what to think. On one hand, I feel if this is the reason for my pain and nausea, then get it out! On the other hand, it's only ONE stone. Can it cause this? Then I think about the pain. It's not all day. It's not excruciating. It's just at night when I don't take a Zantac. So, is the doctor SURE? Could it be reflux? Could it be the gastritis? Or is it really the one small gallstone?

Then we come down to finding babysitters and finding the money. Oh, and don't forget the recovery period. Who is going to help me?

Not to mention that the doctor I was referred to does not take my insurance. Awesome.

My gastroenterologist still wants me to do the pillcam test... as soon as my insurance approves it. Seems like every test I have finds something small wrong, but is never an answer to the big picture.

My husband wants me to get a second opinion.

*Sigh* It's one of those days I wish I could see into the future and know what to do.

Endoscopy

An endoscopy is much easier to get through than a colonoscopy. Around November, I found myself getting nauseous at night. Almost every night since then, I've been woken up with either nausea or a pain that felt like someone just punched me in the gut. This only happened at 1am - give or take.

No symptoms during the day. No nausea or reflux type pain. Nothing. So, when I had to go back to the gastroenterologist, I asked him about it. He - of course - said he couldn't tell what it was without tests, tests, and more tests. Great.

The first test I had to have done was an abdominal ultrasound. No problem, I can handle one of these. Only prep was not eating or drinking after midnight. They said something about no meat or dairy 12 hours before, but since my appointment was at 8, that wasn't an issue.

The second test was an endoscopy. Thankfully, there is no bowel prep to this. Again, the only prep was to not eat or drink after midnight. Phew. Easy. Especially when I had to be there at 7am.

I went to the same hospital where I had the colonoscopy. And once again, the nurse could NOT get my IV in on the first try. I've NEVER had a problem with this anywhere else. I'm not sure why I've had this issue at this hospital. The nurse got it in the second try (but my arm was bruised good for over a week).

I remember being wheeled in the room, they told me to pump and dump a couple times and out I went.

I remember hearing voices right before waking up, the nurses in the recovery room were loud. Not that I expected them to be whispering, but I kind of wished they would go away so I could sleep a little more. They took me right back to the room where my husband told me the doctor said he found gastritis and stomach polyps. He had taken biopsies and would see me in a week. Lovely.

This time I felt more groggy. I was cold and just wanted to cuddle up under a warm blanket and close my eyes. But, I knew I had to get going. After leaving the hospital, we went to eat some breakfast, and then came home.

About two hours later, I felt like I had been run over by a bus. Or a truck. Or a train. I was drained, weak, and had a headache. My throat was a little sore, but not painful at all. No fever, no bleeding, just BLAH. I couldn't lay down because I was being supermom. I thought that since I was fine after the colonoscopy, I'd be fine after the endoscopy. I don't know what was different, but I was exhausted. At six o'clock, I told my husband I had had enough and went to bed. I didn't sleep, but I was horizontal and that felt wonderful.

The next day was the same. It felt like the flu without any other symptoms. I did get a little fever - up to 99.7. I talked to a nurse from the hospital, but she wasn't concerned. It lasted a couple days and then I was back to normal.

My one year old got sick, so maybe I had a touch of what she had (although she ended up having Roseola, and I'm pretty sure I didn't have that). I don't know if it was just a weird reaction to the sedation...

The doctor's office called me a couple days later to tell me the ultrasound I had showed gallstones and to please make sure I come to my follow up appointment. Don't worry - I won't miss it!